durga puja 2011 is just over.lakhmi puja is at the doorstep.this tym puja was really different.atleast i felt so.in my lyf of 21 years (actually i should say 21+ years,but watever dats not the issue.......),i have been celebrating puja foe now almost since 16 years.yes ofcourse,before dat i was an infant and puja may not hav been any extraordinary day for me except the fact dat my babai used to carry me in his arms the whole evening and without fail after few hours i wold have slept in his arms to celebrate my babyness in my own dream land.but now i have grown up.i have tried several times to remember the history for celebrating puja.bt each time i have failed miserably except the one line dat maybe i will remember till my last breadth and will responsibly pass on to my next generation if any such disaster happens dat.....we do dis puja to welcome goddess durga and her children in her baaperbari after she defeated some bull faced demon,i mean ,mahishasur.
puja has never meant the same for me.when i was a kid (age group of 6-12 years),puja meant an array of new clothes,a pair of new shoes,new hair clips,new perfume even new hankerchiefs.i remember i use to make it a point dat i should have the maximum no. of new dresses in my wardrobe dan any of my housemates.puja always happened near september or october.soin dose days it was a must dat my shopping would be over atleast one month before puja.i used to feel so happy n elated.there was no worry,no tension,no competition.........nothing.dere was only one thing n dats called life........yes i had a life in those days.during those 5 days i.e, sashthi,saptami,ashtami,navami n dashami it was hard to bind me at home lyk any oder kid of my age. i used to visit every possible pandal in the area where my parents used to take me till the last drop of energy left in my legs.my toes used to ache,my legs used to tire......but my heart always used to say.........go on.now i realise how energetic i was in dose days.my heart was evergreen,everready to face anything and everything,to explore the weirdest of incidents,to take risks and challenges.in dose times puja really meant certain things,that includes both good n bad,
GOOD............
1.obviously new clothes,shoes.bla bla bla dat i have mentioned
2.the eardrum tearing yet so energetic sound of dhakis in the poja pandals
3.lightings in front of the pandals which was always the main centre of attaraction for me in dose days.
4.the dhunuchi nach.
5.the inexplicable yet such pious n divine smell of dhup,dhunos,agarbattis n dhunuchis in the pandal
6.junk food like jhalmuris,bhel puris, phuchkas, rolls, chowmeins n on top of dat icecreams....it was d best part for me at the end of an exhausted pandal hopping session.
7. and lastly,......a holiday for 5 days.u dont have to study,u dont hav to attend dose boring coaching classes,,no need to keep track of the projects,homeworks,assignments..............every kid of my agegroup used to enjoy dis complete freedom,,,,,,,
BAD.........
1.a frowning crowd on road
2.noise,noise n more noise of people n vehicles
3.the dhakkadhaki at the puja pandals.one cant even properly breathe standing in dat crowd
4.the hot and humid weather..........and even better if it rains,the pityful condition of the pandals
5.n ofcourse the frequent quarrels between the busdrivers and autowallas
but even den ,back to dose days,these problems never ever suppressed my exicetement and happiness to celebrate puja in my own way.i was always happy.
but as i had grown,i had felt the change and if i consider this puja as the reference to judge my life for the entire year ,i can attest to wat i am feeling right now.i realised the excitement had died in me.the cons have overpowered the pros of pujas.i have started defending myself for not going out in dose 5 days giving certain stupid reasons.i know very well dat these are the only days where i can come out of my nutshell spaced life where routines are much longer dan the entire day n can actually live a few moments enjoying the life.but i dont know y i resist so much to this change.y i dont just let myself be free n push myself to the extreme to enjoy my life.theres always an uncanny feeling,a guilt.....prospering in me,spreading its root in my entire body,my mind,my soul that stops me from enjoying my own life.i have become so helpless.when my soul needs to enjoy my body doesnt support n wen my body needs the excitement ,my soul gives away.............puja is not the same for me now.it brings bitter memories with it.it highlights the failure ,the emptiness,the cavity in my lyf.it brings hatred,sadness,betrayal n lots n lots of repentence with it.
during the last 3 pujas,i remember there was no urge left me to shop.people around me used to say that they keep on shopping till they either drop dead or they had no money left.i used o feel very out of place in those moments.
for me, the perception of puja has changed dramatically,
1.i dont listen to mahalaya which was a must in my childhood
2.last day shopping with mom maybe on chaturthi or panchami
3.staying at home and sitting by d windowside to watch the extra tubelights that are given in our lane by the puja committee in dose 5 days.no dought the road looks good and bright.but i feel the unspoken darkness in me.onek durr theke halka halka dhaker sobdo ta sona jay kintu buker dhurphuranir awaaj ta or thekeo onek sposhto sunte pai ajkaal.............
4.earlier my mom used to nag me for going out with her.but now she has stopped doing so.she knows the stupid excuses i give everytime wen she asks me.so,she goes out with dad.but wen she returns at night and calls a sleepy me to have my dinner,she looks at my drowsy swollen eyes and wet pillow cover and without asking anything,she gently runs her hand through my ears and silenly changes the pillow cover every time.she is my mom,she knows it all.......................so,i feel dat i dont have to go out and hop through the pandals to celebrate puja.wen the soul is happy ,den each day feels lyk a puja n wen it is not, each day u perform the shraddh of your own existence.
for me ny mammam is my maa durga..............she knows it all.maybe i have stopped celebrating,i have stopped enjoying lyf bt i had never stopped worshipping over the years. my goddess always stays with me to love me,to protect me,to defend me,to punish me,to correct me...................whenever n watever it may come.
JOY MAA DUGGA............................................
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